My Bread Secret Is Also a Beer Secret
“My bread secret is a bread so simple and fantastic that I can make it when I’m drunk.
1. Buy a six pack of whatever beer you so choose to imbibe.
2. Drink two of the beers. Give three to your boyfriend and/or whatever roommates are home.
3. Mix remaining bottle of beer with three cups of flour, three tablespoons of sugar, one tablespoon of baking powder and one teaspoon of salt.
4. Remember that you were supposed to preheat the oven to 350; do it now.
5. Spray cooking spray on the inside of a loaf pan. Try not to inhale any of it—that stuff cannot be good for you.
6. Dump the ball of (very sticky) dough in the loaf pan, and try to smush it down so it’s mostly even.
7. Dot the top with cut up pieces of butter (optional, but it makes me feel like I’m really baking).
8. Agonize about whether the oven is hot enough; put the loaf pan in the oven even though it probably isn’t.
9. Bake for 50-60 minutes, until it sounds hollow when you flick the top with your finger.
10. Burn the shit out of your hands because it smells SO GOOD that you simple CANNOT WAIT for it to cool, and the potholders are ALL THE WAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE KITCHEN.
Those are probably the most in-depth instructions I have ever written for something so simple. And it goes with anything. I bring it as a hostess gift when I’m around real grown-ups, because it is cheaper than a bottle of wine, and also makes me seem like I have my shit together.” —Leah Starker