The Best and Only Ways to Stay Out of Bed When Working From Home

• Make bed

• Laundry on bed

• Trash on bed

• Dump box of tacks on bed

• Disassemble bed

• Hypnotize self to forget that bed exists

• Get enough sleep

• Memory of, every time you’ve gotten in bed just for a second, cut to, every time you’ve woken up at 4 a.m. with all the lights on

• Memory of, emailing colleagues, bosses at 3 p.m. to say, sorry I fell asleep, at 3 p.m.

• Webcam, directed at bed

• Amphetamines

• Stern talking to in mirror

• Suspect bed bugs

• Actual bed bugs

• “Willpower”

• “Self discipline”

• “Self respect”

• Leave house



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