How Much The Borrowers Owe Us

 
We moved in nine months ago, and The Borrowers have already constructed a nice little nest out of some of our stuff. Here’s what we’ve lost in our apartment:

 

Headphones: $15

Hair ties (Shannon’s): $6?

Every bottle of generic Ibuprofen we’ve purchased: $20

Felt-tipped Stila eyeliner, which was brand-new, purchased after careful testing of cheaper drugstore brands: $20

Wide-toothed comb, which technically isn’t lost so much as fallen down between the bathroom sink and the weird single-legged shim-table that the previous tenants left there to extend the counter by 6 inches (Ah, but there is much more counter space with the weird counter-extender thing — Shannon): $3.99

Lids to (almost) literally every Pyrex except the nesting bowls and one lunch-sized container: at least $40 because those things are invaluable, plus the cost of wasted food

Pens and pencils; where are all the goddamn pens and pencils, we are BOTH WRITERS how can we have no writing implements in the whole goddamn housepartment: $10

At least one iPhone USB cord thing: technically $0, because we have extras

The one piece of scrap paper that Shannon used to take notes on during an interview when no reporting notebooks were handy: Dignity, in having to email the source to explain the situation

Spare key, but more important, the spare novelty keychain in the shape of a fist-sized, squishable stuffed Golden Snitch that Blair got for seventh-grade Christmas: $2 for new key, untold sentimental damage for the snitch

Checkbook—wait, no. There it is.

 

Shannon Palus and Blair Thornburgh live in Philadelphia.

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