Realest Talk: The Preferred Candidate

Courtesy of Matthew Dinaro at McSweeney’s:

The preferred candidate has already been hired by us and done the job for several years, then gone back in time to apply for it again at this very moment. Ideally, they’ve already done this several times.

The preferred candidate desires to spend his or her entire life in this position, at this pay scale, and has prepared since the age of three or so for it and it alone. He or she has no hobbies or interests outside of the position, into which he or she dedicates his or her whole self unequivocally. For him or her, it’s not about the money but the sheer joy of the position.

The preferred candidate has actually already been chosen by us, but we need to put up this ad to make everything seem “fair.” Your application will be ignored, but you might as well give it a shot because you never know.

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