Things I Would Do Around The House If There Were Wages For Housework

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– Clean out the fridge, including the lasagna that has been on the top shelf for four months. The shelf is small and we can almost pretend it isn’t there, but it’s there and it’s getting cold out so we will need the pan for roasting things and oh, someday we are going to have to peer under the foil and face down the demons. Anyway, if you were paying me, surely I would have done this a long time ago.

– Dust the apartment so that I don’t sneeze every time I walk near certain bookshelves.

– I already do the dishes sometimes but I would do them more and better. For instance I would have done them last night, instead of creeping into the living room with a beer and being like, “Well, we don’t want to risk waking the baby, you know.”

– I would sweep as soon as I notice the floors needed to be swept, instead of looking at them while I lie in bed in the morning, thinking, “Hm, we should sweep,” every day for a week, and then Dustin sweeps and I’m like, “Oh good.”

– I would wash the windowsills. Really wash them, the way I wanted to before the baby came but never did. And by “the I wanted to,” I mean, “the way I wanted Dustin to but never explicitly asked.”

– I would probably say, “We should…” a lot less, actually, if there were wages for housework.

– How much should we be paid to do our chores? I say $25 an hour. $22? That seems more conservative but also like a living wage.

– Who is paying? Why, people richer than us are paying, of course! Pay attention.

– I would scrub the toilet at least weekly. I would wipe down the seat almost every day, even.

– Are cleaning supplies provided by the government in this scenario? Perhaps.

– I would make the bed, and do it really slowly, too. Linda Evangelista doesn’t get out of bed in the morning for less than $10,000, and I don’t make the bed for less than 5. Dollars.

– I think a lot about wiping down the cabinets. Maybe I would do it!

– Once in awhile, when I needed the money, I would move all the furniture around and sweep under it. I would find things and put them in their rightful place.

– I have never taken out the garbage for as long as I have cohabited (3+ years now), but I mean, if you were paying me, I would consider it.

– I do take out the recycling occasionally, and would do it cheerily if properly compensated. I like sorting it, reviewing what we’ve used. I take stock of our life in tin cans and orange juice bottles. I put it in a see-through bag and back up to look at all of our organic something or others and meditate on how ridiculous we seem to passersby.

– I can’t really carry all of our laundry in a bag down the road to the laundromat, but if there were wages for housework, maybe I’d do the laundry every three days or so and the load wouldn’t be so heavy — metaphorically and otherwise. I genuinely love doing the laundry if a few factors are in play: there is ample and comfortable seating at the laundromat; I have a good book I’m reading ; it’s raining out but only started raining once I got there and will stop before I leave; I have quarters I want to use; I have no other responsibilities in this life, whatsoever, aside from doing the laundry.

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