Why You Should Upgrade Your Electronics At Least Once A Presidency

kimmy schmidt phone

Because it’s fun! New things! SHINY.

Shininess helps distract from death.


Because your phone’s been slow and poky and temperamental for almost a full year, and enough’s enough.

Because this is what Black Friday-type sales are for. Look, you can get a refurbished, unlocked 5s sent to you for $200! No earbuds, otherwise fine.

Because some people are even now upgrading from their 5ses.

Because you use your phone at least partly for work, right? So it’s an expense.

Because once you have your new phone, you can switch to Cricket, which will cut your monthly phone bill in half.

Because now maybe you can take your old phone to the Russians at the repair shop, see what they would charge to spruce it up, and then see if you can sell it and recoup any of your costs.

Because now you can do that cool thumbprint identification thing everyone else got excited about, and then got over, years ago. Hey, it’s new to you.


Because your old MacBook Pro spends so much time spinning that beach ball in your face that it should get paid for it.

Because, in other words, your laptop needs a new hard drive. And you need your laptop to work. So it’s an expense.

Because removing the old hard drive and installing the new one — plus the adaptor you had to buy to go with it — will give you the perfect chance to play MacGuyver.

Because if you give up and turn to your partner and say, “Please do this for me?” it will make your partner feel like a Useful Bear.

Because everyone likes to feel like a Useful Bear, especially during the holidays.

Because the holidays remind us of death.

New things! SHINY. Shininess helps distract from death.



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